Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mayan Guy: Hey wanna beer? Other Mayan Guy: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.

   Have you ever heard of soulmate? Like my soul wants to mate without your soul?

   If you believe the predictions of an ancient semi-civilized tribe that the world is ending on 21st Dec, can you do me a favour? Can you raise your right hand and with the same hand b itch-slap yourself into 2013.

   Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. Everyone would turn their had for that

   if you post : finally Iphone 5 with a picture of the new phone attached ! I hope it will fall and break.j

   Call me a pessimist but I've already eaten the 22nd, 23rd, and 24th in my advent calendar.

   I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.

   Hummmmmmm Chocolate - (Homer Voice)

   I have a black belt in leather

   Skinny jeans are like calories....easy to put on, impossible to take off

   I sure do act like I know a lot for someone who falls over 3 or 4 times per week while putting on underwear.

   You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the back of the couch and you're not even reading this anymore are you...

   and...in Hollywood news, 2 people I've never heard of got married and 2 other people I've never heard of got divorced...

   if a hot guy is scared to talk to a hot girl, chances are his p enis is baby sized

   A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are a$$holes." Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..." The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" The second guy says, "No. I'm an a$$hole."

   Our business says Merry Christmas!

   kinda pissed off right now! going to put on red polo and walk around target and vent!

   on dec 21st all the power companies should shut off the power for 10 minutes just to make people flip out

   Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

   I'm not sure if people stopped saying "yolo" or everyone that said "yolo" has died.