Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   Money does not change people it only shows their true character whether being generous or selfish

   You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

   Grammar: The difference between feeling you're nuts, and feeling your nuts.

   The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else.

   My ex-wife has a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh... if you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean!

   Facebook friends are like Congress in that everyone is an expert on subjects and no one is willing to compromise their views.

   Just because I don't refute all of your crazy rants does not mean I agree, it means I have your feed blocked.

   A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!

   Day Off+ Get Nothing Done=Successful Day Off

   If I don't get enough sleep, I'm tired. If I get too much, I'm tired. And even if I get the right amount, I still need three pots of coffee.

   The strongest drug that exists for a human is another human being.

   How many Mexicans does it take to build a.........oh shi*, they're done.

   A man's phone is like a woman's purse. .. you never go through it.

   Dear facebook event invite: I'd love nothing more than to travel 1100 miles to see your half a$$ed band play other people's music in a bar that's filled with 4 people. DECLINE!

   The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.

   Sorry, I can't go. My sister's cousin's nephew's brother's neighbor's step son's hamster died today. It was tragic.

   To trumpet players died this past weekend......Guessing God is assembling the Trumpets for Rapture this Friday.....

   Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …