Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been calling my friend Keith "Qweef" for the past two years and he has no idea

   Redneck word of the day: pistol "I drank so many beers I think I might pistol the sun comes up."

   My proctologist examines me using a bomb disposal robot.

   here lies an athiest all dressed up and no where to go ....epitaph on tombstone....

   "Lincoln" is doing well in the theatres... Historically this has not been true."

   Pro Gun, Pro Gun Control, Pro Life, Pro Choice, Pro This, Pro That, ....How about Pro Common Sense?

   The girls that say that all guys want is sex, are usually the ones who have only that to offer.

   I wonder how hard J-LO has to laugh for her ass to fall off?

   When you think about it, it's probably best not to think about it.

   Cool Facts: Music can help reduce chronic pain by more than 20% and can alleviate depression by up to 25%. Unless you listen to Adelle... then all bets are off!

   I just found 20 dollars! I guess good things do happen to bad people!

   If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn't invite me over.

   I bet socks and disposable contact lenses have abandonment issues

   I'm always let down when I see a fat kid on a seesaw by himself and nobody falls from the sky

   The real Christmas miracle is how quick I go broke

   Every day is only a beer away from being a good one

   I think it'd be more fun if cops pulled people over with red and green lights this time of year

   My teacher gave me an F today on my paper, because she said the Bible wasn't a reliable source

   The thing I hate most about getting too drunk at my office Christmas party, is looking for a new job the next day.

   NASA has confirmed that on December 21, late afternoon, the sky will go very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".