Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's ok if you don't like my personality,,, I've got others.

   Her: Your Not listening!!!! Me: How can I listen to you if you dont say the things I want to hear...Woman????

   My girlfriend wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an I'm asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like. I

   Don't ignore my texts, I know you check your phone 24/7.

   Careful what you write on my FB. My wonderful, charming, brilliant boss reads everyone's email and st@tus Commments! Even if your not his friends he is always on top of things, such a wonderful boss!.....

   I'm eating nothing but comfort food tonight...cookies, ice cream, pizza. I don't even care, but I think I'm starting to like food way more than people.

   Well, if you had to grow up with bad food, bad teeth, bad music, and a Euro-Economy....life really is not worth living for.....is it?

   If you love her, let her go out drinking with her friends.. If she calls you drunk, she is yours.. If she turns off her cell, she never was.

   i'm thinking about sending a fruitcake to some family members for Christmas...u know the old saying "you are what you eat"

   Can they make band aids that are easier and faster to unpack so I don't bleed to death?

   Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?

   In over 75% of mass shootings in the states the shooters obtained their weapons legally. You can't regulate insanity, but you can regulate guns.

   if someone going to kill, they would purchase a gun no mater what laws were in place..

   how many schools are going to get shot up before we as parents decide to start arming our teachers!

   or should I say when our we our we gonna protect our schools like we protect our banks and government offices

   I go to the all you can eat breakfast bar for $5.00. I go, "What'll 10.00 get me?" They asked me to leave. That's bull$hit right there.

   Depressed from all the bad news? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   My mate asked me,"Do you like Tom Hanks movies?" I said, "Well I'm not a Big fan..."

   just when I think humanity is improving, I turn on the TV yesterday and see the tragic 5 hour energy commercial...

   this the best we can do? We need to put some humor back on everyones faces, C'mon dig down deep people...