Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're supposed to wash asparagus before throwing it away,,, right?

   You seem crazy,,,, But let's buy tambourines and see how far we can take this...

   since Norman Joseph Woodlawn is dead, I wonder if they're going to put a bar code on his casket

   Just had s ex even though I had a headache... Did you hear that Ladies? ...had S ex and had a headache... Nobody died...

   Oh wow! Thanks for the newsletter, Hotel Chain! I'm just lonely enough to read this!

   I told everybody at work that I've got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.

   I swear 2012 lasted for like 3 months.

   Who remembers the 3 eyed monkey at the end of Jimmy Neutron that would say "Hi, I'm Paul!"

   Nothing makes me happier at work than walking into the bathroom and all the stalls are empty.

   Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side.

   At first notice, the word "Diputseromneve" looks quite ridiculous. However, if you read it backwards its even more stupid.

   I went out for a jog but quickly came back 5 minutes later because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 5 minutes.

   I'm surprised the Pope didn't tweet from an Android, considering humanity and God's experience with apples.

   Not all of us are looking for masturbation, d*ck, or p*ssy jokes.

   Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.

   It's so cool you can make Facebook PINK!!! said by no one, ever.

   Hey you know those Whitman's Samplers? I had a candy out of one called a Chocolate Truffle". I really dug the sample. So like, where do I get the big fu*ker?

   This year I'm giving my girl the best Christmas gift ever. Anybody got any tips on how to wrap your b@lls?

   A Chinese woman said me, "You have no crass". I didn't know whether she was complimenting or insulting me.

   Sitting on the toilet dropping bombs and reading the back of a shampoo bottle... My morning in a nutshell