Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i gotta carry my phone around with me 24/7 just in case nobody texts me

   I have to take a dump, but my iPhone battery life is at 5%

   My favorite color is Nutella.

   Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.

   So let me get this straight. A woman who has fake hair, nails, eyelashes, breasts, lips, buttocks, as well as a fake tan also has the nerve to ask for a real man?

   I was notified that I've been chosen to be the new "Adam" on Mars. They've selected an Eve. I hope to G0d she remembers to bring the snake and the apple.

   who cares how it's spelled or its scientific properties....to argue over it instead of drink it tells ur losers

   Storage Wars is fake? What will you tell me next, that Taco Bell meat isn't real or that Santa isn't real?

   Dear English Majors: How did the word "Dingleberry" get it's name?

   so many kids give carrots to the reindeer on Christmas & as they're flying you never hear of any droppings hitting a car or a roof.....id like to see that insurance claim

   If you don't want the answer to smack you straight in the mouth then I think it's probably best left un said!

   It's definitely gonna end on 21 Dec 2012. Not the world but the rumor!

   So it's 12/12/12...not the date, but the IQ's of Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian & Paris Hilton! ツ

   Dear Blackberry: after downloading your new 7.0 software, its fair to say I'm very disappointed, don't know if bbm talk can make up for this.

   12.12.12 - It's a good day to test a microphone :)

   It's all fun and games until somebody leaves the chicken in the beaver!

   If I owe you money I am definitely paying on the 22nd of December.

   are we gonna hear it all day about the stupid date? ooohhhh the numbers are the same. all my cheerios are the same too but I dont tell everyone about it everytime it happens

   My boss asked me to tell him a joke but I said I was too busy working. So we laughed and laughed...

   I understand why they call that speech software "Dragon", because their 2 hour commercials Drag-on.