Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Football announcers saying "penetration" repeatedly is my 50 Shades of Grey.

   If I wanted to see American Horror Story I would just stalk the Kardashians

   I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

   Dear Santa, I plead the fifth! No wait... I drank it!!

   Manny Pacquiao should audition to play the Dead Body on The First 48..

   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

   I'd rather watch a candle melt than play a game on Facebook

   With the "end of the world" coming in 11 days I feel confident making a prediction.......September 2013 will have one of the highest birth rates on record.

   Kate Middleton's fetus is already richer than I'll ever be. :(

   It's not officially the holiday season until I've ignored a Salvation Army Santa.

   My main plan for success is that all the better people quit first.

   My pet butterfly just got a tattoo of my lower back.

   I just met a nerdy spider. He`s a web designer.

   Economists are predicting that "black Friday" sales figures will pale in comparison to "the Mayans were wrong Saturday " sales figures...

   Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.

   When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!

   likes to pretend he is in a parade when he is stuck in traffic.

   what do you do with 365 used condoms, melt them down and call it a goodyear...

   dear Hollywood: When you find an action star who's not gay and taller than the girl, let me know...

   light beer, fruit flavored booze, turkey burgers...why do we have to pussify everything good??