Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   if silly bands make her dance... SHES TO YOUNG FOR YOU BRO

   he songs I like always come on when I'm supposed to be getting out of my car.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   too hot* blanket off *too cold* Put blanket on *too hot again* Stick on foot out…..perfect. *hears creepy noise* Sticks foot back in

   To mistake me for stupid, is to mistake you for smart.

   All I want for Christmas is you.... to get run over by a reindeer!!!

   Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmastime. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was 'cause my mom put eggnog in my bottle.

   im gonna be late for work tomorrow!!! if they ask why I'm late.. I'll tell them... last night I realized that my family was a priority. so I woke up them up and we chilled.

   HOW TO CONFUSE A WOMAN: Buy her a pair of shoes made from chocolate!!!

   Santa's reindeer, Donder? Didn't know that, though it was Donner

   This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys.

   So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?

   If I made cars I'd put an inflatable shark in place of an airbag in 1 out of every 100 cars just for fun.

   "You'll be hearing from my attorney!" Is usually what I tell random strangers leaving a public restroom.

   An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance would be AWESOME!

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   Tampon makers have announced that they will be replacing their tampon string with tinsel. They'll only be available for the Christmas period.

   Given my propensity to only check our mailbox about once a month,,, I'm guessing, my mail man also doubles as the Tetris champion of the universe.