Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The world is ending in 16 days and I still don't know what I'm going to wear

   Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.

   with the upcoming end of the world quickly approaching, in lieu of Christmas cards this year, I have sent out checks out to all my friends in the amount of $1,000,000 post dated 12/22/2012. Good luck finding a bank that isn't under water everyone!

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.

   We naming the printer in our office BOB MARLEY because its always JAMMIN'

   I DON'T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Vincenza...the name I've given this meatball sub.)

   My life has been brought to you by.............. "It seemed like a REALLY good idea at the time (Insert: "Officer", "Your Honor", or "Doc" here)."

   My girlfriend asked me "Team Edward? Or Team Jacob?" I yelled "Team Deathmatch!" And knifed her...

   Iran claims they captured a US drone which our government is denying. I think what the Iranians really have is my Turbo 2000 styrofoam glider plane I lost back in '96.......I threw that thing pretty hard.

   If have slept with more than ten people this year then you have no ryt to call your reproductive organ a private part. It is now a Universal Charger !!

   I like the sound of "PSY beats Justin Bieber...in Youtube views" If only he actually physically did it.

   Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.

   The only reason I know how many beers I drank last night, is because it was all of them.

   Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.

   For some reason, they dont seem to be marketing the Tickle Me Elmo as heavily this Christmas.

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you...

   Sign of the time's! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating-up our kids.

   I once asked an old man: Which is more important to love or to be loved? He replied: which is more important to a bird, the left wing or the right wing?

   BREAKING: Rex Ryan officially names Mark Sanchez starting Jets QB...proving the NFL needs to start testing coaches for concussions.