Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The person below me needs help.

   I went to the movies to see "Lincoln". The only thing they had at the snack bar were waffles and Log Cabin Syrup.

   Bacon jokes are so played. $hut up already and just go buy some.

   I wonder why George Bailey never told Mr. Potter to just SUCK IT...

   Those saying what a great guy Jovan Belcher was seem to overlook he just killed his baby's mother!!

   To all you dumbasses who don't like my post... I don't like yours either!!!.

   The Hot New Toy this Christmas season will be "Outsource Me Elmo" Which is simply an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   The only foreplay I've been doing lately is turning the electric blanket on before I go to bed.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it.

   The best kind of love is experienced when the person who touches your ass also touches your heart.

   wondering..if you shouldn't go grocery shopping while hungry does this mean that you shouldn't go to the liquor store sober?

   late at night, when everyone is sleeping, I fill up the bath tub with marinara sauce and pretend that I am a meatball.

   during the local christmas parade tonight, the local hospital had a float that read "more than a hospital"...yeah, they're also a morgue

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.

   I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...

   If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

   It's December! I guess it's time to pretend I'm putting up the Christmas lights... that I never took down from last year

   People with "KEEP OUT" signs in their yard grossly overestimate our desire to come visit them.

   If Adele doesn't open a Sushi restaurant called "Rolling in the sea" then seriously, what's she even doing?

   I never think about eating healthier but when I do, it's while I'm eating junk food.