Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   breaking news from ESPN. Javon Belcher listed as doubtful for tomorrow's game vs. Carolina

   MMA would be way better if it was two people who'd never been in a fight before and done zero training.

   The world's biggest lie...Person who f@rted: "I didn't f@rt! If I did, I'd claim it!"

   Mowing the grass on December 1st. Like every year, I'm having a green Christmas.

   thinks it is always a good idea to know someone's giving-to-receiving ratio before dating them.

   Today, December 1st I am thankful for no more thankful posts.... it is officially December........ and I made it through last month without having to delete anyone..... oh ya! :D (and yes... I will not even wink an eye if you delete me!!!)

   Most of you like waking up in the morning..... to see the "com ments" and "likes" that your sta tus received. I like waking up in the morning....... to see.... WTF I po sted!

   THERE'S A TECHNIQUE IN LOVE: We follow the rule "Love one another" and if doesn't work, just swap the last two words, "Love another one"....

   LOL at all these losers on Facebook on a Saturday night. I'll be here all night.

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   I don't know how many girls it takes to change a light-bulb but I guarantee you they'd post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

   If I ever get a vasectomy, I'm going to ask the doctor if they can make it so that, everytime I ejaculate, a little flag pops out that say “BAM!”

   I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

   I refused to allow my doctor to diagnose me with OCD.. Acronyms must contain an even number of letters.

   it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!

   For sale: one toilet, one toilet seat and one roll of toilet paper. Because I just don't give a sh*t.

   Say "cheese!" cuz I want you to look like a complete idiot in this picture.

   Hey,, people who buy just 1-ply toilet paper at grocery stores,, Are you trying to quit??

   it's that time of the year to again remind all the douchebags that think Xmas is a word that they are all going to Hell...

   Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless...