Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Move your office desk into the elevator and ask people who get on if they have an appointment.

   I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.

   When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.

   You can tell a lot about a woman by her right foot, for instance; if it's travelling towards your bollocks at speed, she's upset with you.

   I guess all the leftover Thanksgiving dinner stuff is gone that was in the fridge. I'm telling everyone I quit cold turkey.

   whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I'm in public

   Just got 12 new girlfriends...or as some of you call it a 6 pair pack of tube socks

   on't name your bong after a woman, because we all know it's wrong to hit women.

   Never punch a person with glasses, unless they're wearing just the frame with no lens. In that case punch the crap out of them.

   Well, today I realized that boobytrap backwards is partyboob so nothing else is important anymore.

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno.

   You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.

   enought with the lame lottery winnings posts. We all know you're buying an island, a jet, a mansion and a divorce. Except, you're just wasting your money like the rest of us...

   McDonalds should advertise their double drive thrus help people lose wait...

   If ur gonna play the role of victim, make sure you include how you got the part...

   Hey Scientists: Less sheep cloning and More making our world look like The Jetsons. Chop chop beotches!

   how does taking a bath get me clean when the first 2 things in the water are my feet and a ss??

   Frankly I think there is more going on in the lab between the scientists and the sheep than actual cloning.

   If I win Power Ball tonight....I'll spend the rest of my life in my whitie tighties judging people on the internet. So basically same thing just $550 million richer.

   after 4 days with the flu, I think I've ended the worldwide shortage of snot...