Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Australians, if you don't stop an end of the world status midsentence on December 21st to freak out Americans you guys are more mature than me.

   Thanksgiving is for thanking, not shopping..

   Who wants to put on a bear costume and tear apart the tents of people camping outside a Best Buy for Black Friday?

   Just bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

   LIKE if you're still stuck at the Kid's table.

   I think it's funny how everyone is suddenly thankful for everything just because its Thanksgiving

   Kanye West calls Thanksgiving You're Welcome Day.

   I'm that guy that carries a boombox on his shoulder at funerals with "Circle of Life" ready to play in case a pregnant woman gives birth.

   I wonder if drug dealers do black Friday lol ...weed and crack 20% off

   I saw an inflatable ATM machine today. The screen said Please do not enter PIN

   I asked my wife what she wants for Christmas. She said, "Oh, nothing special." So I'm giving her a framed picture of her t!ts.

   I am as messed up as the alphabetical order on a keyboard.

   A blind person just told me the braille pattern on my left nipple actually says 'will die alone'

   Apparently a happy wife is a drunk wife.

   I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.

   Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.

   Why isnt there any black friday deals at the liquir store....

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a kid. Then, silence is just suspicious.

   Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally.

   It Is Better To Go Skiing And Think Of God,Than Go To Church And Think Of Skiing