Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drunk people are the only honest ones left.

   Lincoln may be doing well in the theatre today, but that wasn't always the case.

   my Gwinnett county detention center uniform looks better than the rags the steelers are wearing tonight.

   .Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin', 'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer.

   Single White Female, 29, into moshing, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

   Twilight won the Teen Choice Awards, Justin Bieber won the Best New Artist Award and now Twinkies are now longer being made... What is this world coming too? Smh

   I sure wish they'd invent an app that keeps birds from crapping on my car! :/

   if you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"

   running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   so I didn't want to wake up this morning and go to work. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that I like being lazy more...

   I kinda wish I was sober enough to remember what really happened. One moment we was having fun, the next thing I knew, its Monday and I'm getting emails..... R.I.P - Saturday & Sunday

   First it was the infamous bus driver uppercut. Again another bus driver, gets into an altercation with another young girl, this time over loud music. Good idea for a game consult?

   If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away with it.

   Seriously Justin Bieber clean sweeps the American Awards? I have lost faith in all American voting systems.

   The Dukes of Hazzard was the best show ever, General Lee speaking

   My favorite Black Friday tradition is watching the day's Walmart tramplings on the evening news.

   looking for a meaningful overnight relationship!

   Since whiskey on the rocks is good; it's a good thing when my wife says our marriage is on the rocks, right??

   I don't believe in one night stands but I'm all for two night stands!!