Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I now have 98 problems (thanks to abortion).

   I'm the Michael Jordan of all sports, because I haven't played any since like 2003.

   Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

   Fortune Cookie: Woman who go fishing with six men...go home with red snapper.

   Sometimes I look at all this cool stuff I own and realise that I probably wouldn't have any of it if I was married.

   All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Big woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.

   I save a lot of money on makeup by just being attractive.

   I asked my wife for advice once. Worst three days of my life.

   I don't know how girls can deep throat, I almost threw up because I forgot to chew a Mentos.

   I just Googled 'Nicolas Cage jokes' and it showed me a list of every film he's been in. Well played, Google.

   That tandem horse costume would look a lot better on my bedroom floor.

   I'm saving myself for prison.

   Do these empty pockets make me look slim?

   If you don't like seeing me naked in the morning... then I suggest you change the timer on your lawn sprinkler system!

   Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.

   I called my doctor and told her I have an erection that's lasted longer than 4 hours. We're meeting for drinks in 30 minutes.

   I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don't like to swallow...

   I'm not outta style. I'm outta place.

   To err is human... To not know what err means is American.

   After watching E.T. I'm kinda skeptical. If I found an alien in my shed I'd probably be more likely to beat the crap out of it with a shovel than give it Reese's Pieces.