Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In a vicious cycle of abuse...Elmo is just mimicking his childhood abuse when Mr. Noodle forced Elmo to play with his "noodle"

   Was it really that much of a surprise? Elmo has been playing with kids while he was naked the whole time.

   I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital

   I've never gone down on a man, but I'm probably pretty amazing at it from all the times I've stopped soda fizz from overflowing.

   ......Update status, nobody likes?...... -_- (1) Deletes Facebook profile (2) Move to a next country (3) Change name (4) Start new life =)

   I don't like mornings because that's when old people are the strongest.

   The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won't do as she is told.

   Texas wants to become its own Country. Great we can boost our economy by building a wall around it.

   What did Arnold scwhatzneger and Tiger wood say to the General P? ...... ew still working on a punchline...

   If a zombie apocalypse ever really happened, I imagine it would look something like the grocery aisles at Walmart around 4pm.

   So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you've fallen off the face of the earth??

   Elmo is a gay black 52 year old child molester.... Childhood = RUINED.

   Jail Me Elmo , Just in time for the Holiday season, " Hello My Name is Elmo , Can you say Incarcerated?"

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.

   ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

   Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

   I'm starting to think that all those hours in school when I practiced writing my autograph was just a waste of time.....

   Last night I found an actual cricket in my bed. Oh the irony!