Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not our fault you have a small d ick so don't take it out on us. Really, don't take it out.

   Let me raise a glass in your honor so I can smash it against your head.

   If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell haven't had enough vodka. Here is another glass.

   I don't need a man. But I want one. That means those of you with no jobs, no cars and no money still stand a chance.

   Buy her alcohol, lots of alcohol. Women love it when you buy them alcohol.

   I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.

   My cat is totally drinking soda out of my glass and I don't even give a shit 'cause I want her to stay up late with me to write rap songs.

   I went horseback riding yesterday, it was awesome feeling the wind in my hair...... Till the K-mart manager came out and said I had to leave...jerks!

   A woman is never more persuasive than when she's holding a shotgun or a bacon sandwich.

   A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

   All flights to Colorado have been cancelled. The sky is just too foggy.

   I just told a girl I loved her. Well, I didn't actually say it. And it wasn't actually a girl. Ok, fine, I was eating a Big Mac and moaned.

   If there is an afterlife, I will spend all of it in the statistics archives looking up how many beers I drank, hours I spent on fb, etc...

   Women like to hear things like, I love you and you're so pretty, while men like to hear things like, you're not the father or I swallow.

   Jesus hung out with the prostitutes an sick people. That's what I do whenever I go to a bar.

   You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.

   Colorado Legalizes Marijuana and peyton manning buys 20 papa johns stores in Colorado! some people just get it!

   Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....

   remember when being homecoming queen meant you were hot and popular

   Trying to improve my street cred by lowering our minivan a couple inches.