Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.

   It's going to hard to get out and vote if I have to keep answering phone calls from people urging me to get out and vote.

   Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

   People told me I need to go out more often!But the true is I need to shut up more often !

   all these bars are offering a drink special called "hurricane sandy" don't fall for it though it's just a watered down Manhattan...

   My first crush was in kindergarten. I knew it was doomed when she colored neatly and perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile.

   Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."

   I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!

   Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?

   Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.

   I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.

   The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...

   If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two

   Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color and we have no idea what mauve is.

   If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

   If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...

   Police have reported that Tony the Tiger and the Captain Crunch have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer.

   Often we fail to appreciate those closest to us... Soooo, go waaaaaaaay over there, I would appreciate it...

   If I had known she was going to start wearing clothes,,, I would never have eaten it. ~ Adam

   looking for a female that will go down on me as much as dish network does!