Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   B-E-F-O-R-E not b4. We speak English not fuc?ing bingo.

   Girls, it's not pretty being easy.

   Facebook: someone added a photo of you.. Me: fu?k

   When somebody sends me a "k" text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you", so I make sure to correct them.

   Here is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief:

   My husband got fired from his job at the deli for putting his finger in the pickle slicer. To be fair, she got fired, too...

   Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.

   F*ck daylight savings man! We're in the phase where there is no excuse for being late today.

   Women that cheat on their man with his best friend are the sluts of the earth.

   Halo 4 comes out on election day? I hope my wife tells me who won the election....i'll be busy for the next week or so!

   a few more days! and all the "political" animals will go back to hibernation for another 4 years and we will have you our sit3 back!

   I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn't in a band any more.

   Getting my survival kit ready for 12-21-12. So does the garlic necklace work against Zombies or is it only effective against Vampires and Mormons.

   If love were truly blind people wouldn't be so damn picky.

   I like girl shaped things.

   May I call you Pebbles ‘cause you're as dumb as a rock!

   I feel bad for my american friends... they only have 2 idiots to choose from in their elections...50/50 chance of getting it wrong...

   Well excuse me, I didn't know it wasn't bring a naked midget to work day

   People who say I need to go out more often need to shut up more often

   I always cry after sex... $400.00 is a lot of money.