Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.

   A good and funny punishment for any man who hits a woman is to be thrown in a cage full of hungry lionesses. Those b itches don't play.

   Did you know some female spiders eat the male spider after mating? She's like "Ya sure I'll have your babies and you for dinner"

   Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.

   I count it as a random act of kindness when you see me in public and pretend you didn't.

   Just watched 5 minutes of Glee and now I get call from some spa to confirm my manicure and pedi appointment

   If Jessica Simpson doesn't name one of her kids "Homer", then seriously what's the point?

   WTF! I was about to drink my vodka but it started screaming so I stopped and asked "what's wrong?", it said "you forgot to post a pic of me on your Facebook wall" and slapped me!

   How much cooler would it have been if Apple made Mini-Me introduce the iPad mini?

   I don't think Lance Armstrong took steroids. He doesn't have the balls to do such a thing.

   Hey idiots who worship celebrities; if they had to shoot you or their dog, they'd also chop you up and watch the dog eat you.

   It's a good thing my bed can't file a restraining order.

   I'd like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about Youtube buffering.

   Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

   I've been thinking, I should really get some work done today. Well, it's the thought that counts.

   Just got 3 robocalls in a row from the Romney campaign...each different reflecting 2008, 2010 and 2012 Romney.

   Febreeze should make mouthwash

   My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

   Why do brides wear white? So they match the other kitchen appliances.

   Bi?ch I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply