Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I think Cris Christie and Obama driving around to look at bridges is O.K.,,, but when do they start solving crimes?

   NYC Shine on you crazy diamond

   Smoke alarms going off. Guess the wife's cooking is done...

   Atlantic City Casinos are losing $5,000,000 a day being closed. I guess the "House doesn't always win!

   Below is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief: Click >HERE< to continue to next page. (Funny how we are ALWAYS there for everyone else.)

   thinking...there are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children. When you're on the witness stand.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice!!!

   If I had 10 nutter butter cookies and you took 5 away, what would you have...That's right, a black eye an a broke hand!

   Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

   I bet the taliban is watching Honey Boo Boo saying "We can now watch them destroy themselves."

   With all do respect to Whitney (may she RIP), why did she not fix her child's teeth!!

   Good news...I got my power back! No, not my electricity, my invisibility. You look nice tonight.

   I never realized how strong I was...until being strong is the only choice I have left ♡

   C0ndoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

   There's a reason why natural disasters have female names.

   If you ever see me drinking alcohol (I don't drink) or see me being a slut (I'm a good girl).......whatever you do, don't stop me.

   I greet all conflict with a joke, a smile and a laugh. It's not that I'm the bigger man. It just makes my enemies hate me so much more.

   Sorry young dub-steppers. We used up all the best drugs and beats 15 years ago. Back to the drawing board, kids

   I thought I had a real feeling today. Turned out I was just sober.

   I like woman who are mentally stable and sexually unstable.