Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Quitting whilst you're ahead is all very well until it comes to sex.

   I'm the type of person that gets distracted by the race between the grey & red bars on Youtube, and forgets about the video.

   The only thing you accomplish by getting all riled up is producing entertainment for others.

   Next time you're depressed just imagine Kristen Stewart on a swing.

   Life is too valuable to hold grudges. Forgive and move on

   The guy who came up with the spelling of the word Wednesday was probably the same lame ass who showed up to the party on time.

   If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

   When a status starts out with “I seen”, it never ends with “in a book I once read.”

   I hope my kids never ask to me to explain why Simpsons p0rn exists.

   My hair has the 'I just did it' look going on. My hair is a liar.

   The sexual frustration at this church bake sale is palpable.

   I wonder if correcting someone's spelling ever got anyone laid?

   Don't worry about where I got the tennis ball shooter. Do you want to fill it with meatballs and fire it at fat kids or not?

   Fun game: Send texts to random numbers saying "OK they're Dead, what should I do with the bodies?"

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   Being single sucks. The only thing I get to do is whatever I want.

   "Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient. "Why should I do that?" "The waiting room's full and the football game's on in ten minutes."

   My alcoholic friends are upset with me. I kept "sober" texting them at 3 in the afternoon

   If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   "The Goddess that is Judge Judy"....said no one ever.