Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If there's anything I teach my daughter it will be to not ignore the nerds. Those people grow up to be sexy!

   Tonight, I'm gonna party like I have $19.99.

   You never see zombies in wheelchairs.

   If it doesn't kill you, kill it before it tries again!

   Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.

   Yes if you're looking for someone who's "healthy" for you...definitely don't look my way.

   What if STDs were spread through COPY and PASTE?!?

   I wonder how many times Michelle reminds Barack that he's only half black??

   What people call Pharmaceutical doctors, I call legal drug dealers. Medically certified to kill you. *Ask your doctor if this status is right for you*

   It's that time of year again. Scary decorations, terrifying advertising, and random people going door to door. Election season.

   When you get home this evening, surprise your family by kicking the door in.

   Being Hugh Hefner's ex is as prestigious as being tall enough to get on a carnival ride.

   I love to put a box of cheerios in the mouth of the loved one that snores everynight

   "Well that's the last time I ever take one of those spinning classes... felt like an idiot being the only one twirling around in the middle of the room while everyone else sat & looked at me like I was stupid :~("

   Everyone you meet comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.

   I'm sick of having to pick up women's jaws after I walk into rooms.

   I always do things for the wrong reason. Like, watch the World Series for the organ music interludes.

   Keep on scrolling. I don't want any trouble.

   ;•į <~~ one eye drunk texting face!

   As I was filling up my gas tank I realized I didn't want to eat this week anyways.