Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?

   You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can!

   I printed your status on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it.

   Dear, Android. Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones... You piece of Shut.

   I tell ya what, I bought a toilet brush a couple weeks back, and I'll never go back to paper.

   But Mom! The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too!

   I'll push your face into the shower wall as romantic as possible.

   Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.

   Instead of 3 debates, the presidential candidates should be on Jeopardy, Are you smarter than a 3rd grader, and American Gladiators to determine who gets my vote.

   Pet peeve: Toilets that flush for me the moment I stand up. I'd like to see the work I've done before it is instantly taken away from me.

   Ladies, it's common courtesy to let a guy know you're on your period before replying 'yes' to that "Lets chill" text.

   Solving crimes was a lot easier 30 years ago. All you had to do was ask Huggy Bear who did it…

   Of all my girlfriends' family, Aunt Flow is both my favorite and least favorite visitor…

   u guys should be able to charge $ for making the rest of us who copy ur posts look funny. but dont charge me, it was my idea.

   I now have the same number of Tour de France titles as Lance Armstrong.

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   There should be a store for women in their 40's who try to dress like their children called Forever Inappropriate.

   My ex-step mom was so lazy I bought a black Snuggie for funerals.

   Why the hell do we still use snow shovels when flame throwers are available?

   Sure fire way to really annoy a woman - tell her she is being too dramatic and overreacting. .