Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Joe Biden reminds me of a drunk hobo ranting on a corner for a free beer.

   I'm going to take you to a place you've never been before! Brewhahaha

   Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting.

   In dog beers I only had one.

   Dumping a whole can of kernel corn in toilet just to freak out the morning office staff....

   There are hundreds of ways to make a woman happy and only one to make a man happy: LEAVE HIM ALONE.

   I do not have a drinking problem... people without arms have a drinking problem.

   I hate it when kids think I don't care about whatever the hell they were just talking about.

   I remember one time when I was high... I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?

   She removed her jeans threw it to me and said ``Make me feel like a woman``... and I removed my trouser threw it 2 her and said ``wash them both...

   The silence that occurs when I'm waiting for my little sister outside the playground, and a mother asks me "What child?" and I answer, "I have not decided yet ..."

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that sh!t.

   My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.

   Apparently the person in the next stall doesn't want their feet tickled.

   She : "Are you asleep?" Me: "No, I'm just looking at my eyelids."

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.

   Apparently, vodka is not a relationship, it's a beverage... (sigh)

   Jenna Marbles needs to STFU already and do porn

   Remember the theme song from the Adams family?.. trust me, you will all day ;) dabba-da-bump *snap*snap

   When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote boyfriend, hhmmmm......