Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to figure out where in my relationship I went wrong that she stopped folding my underwear

   Honey Boo Boo? Sounds like sumthin Winnie the Pooh would do when he's had too much honey

   Being a loyal woman does not mean you have to be loyal to his bullshi t too.

   I'm positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.

   Evil. I see it. I hear it. I speak it. Your reactions are my entertainment.

   Tonight I'll be teaching a poetry class for prison inmates called "Prose & Cons".

   "A gripping tale of love and survival..." is how one reviewer described me tumbling down the stairs while trying to retrieve a stray M&M.

   My wife & I split up over a family game of buckaroo.... I was left to pick up the pieces

   I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work

   Death isn't really a penalty when you're already serving a wife sentence…

   In Honor Of Tonight's Debate, I Will Be Making "Obama Rolls".... They Consist Of A lot Of Hot Air, And Full Of Sh*t!

   So Chris Brown smoked a little pot. If blunts are the only thing he's hitting, that sounds like progress to me.

   A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.

   I'm kinda tired of the same 7 jokes and all their 12,000 variations on my timeline.

   Rome wasn't built in a day but they could have built at least three of them in a women's five minutes.

   I don't understand why it's called a Chastity Belt. Everyone I know named Chastity is a stripper.

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things so far in advance. Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

   I'll stand at the front door until she finally asks, “Are you coming inside?” It never gets old.

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.