Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we start calling it 'potato juice', Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT??

   If you don't love me at my worst, good call. I wouldn't put up with me either.

   The only thing that's clear to me right now is Vodka.

   I did not lie. I was strategically misinforming you.

   When it comes to gifts, never look Sarah Jessica Parker in the mouth.

   The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And Mondays.

   I believe what politicians say about as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.

   Drunk girls whisper in caps lock.

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

   Justin Bieber vomited on stage in the middle of a performance. That concludes it then... she's pregnant.

   For years doctors thought I was autistic but turns out that I'm just an a$$hole.

   Let's play a cruel joke on your husband and make a baby for him.

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   I hope your exit strategy doesn't involve a cemetery.

   Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

   You know you are on a hamster wheel when you go to work to make enough money to pay for your car so you can get to work.

   If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?

   On the outside, I may appear like an emotionless sarcastic jerk, but just like an onion, when you peel off more layers, you find the exact same thing every single time and you start crying.

   Don't feel bad if people remember you only when they need you. Feel privileged that you are like a candle that comes to their mind when there is darkness