Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.

   republican read the story of "robin hood" backwards...they want to steal from the poor & give to the rich

   Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.

   You said "CALL ME!", but you didn't hold your pinky and thumb out and put it next to your ear, so I didn't take you seriously.

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   I Just updated my will & left my entire estate to my friends here,,,, Good luck figuring out how to split up a half jar of Miracle Whip..

   I'm only good at math when I'm adding insult to injury.

   Not to be too braggy but I can put 72 m&m's in my mouth at once.. One went down my windpipe and I'm on my way to the ER now,,,,, but still.

   Iran has issued travel warnings against Canada. Oh no Iran, please don't slow down your lucrative travel industry to Canada.

   You are an absolutely amazingly wonderful person and I'm thoroughly frustrated at my inability to help you to recognize that fact.

   My left nipple is 3 minutes slower than my right at hardening.

   I'm at a point in my life where I'm just at a point in my life. Something I would say if I was drunk in a bar called ''Point in My Life.''

   ''If he doesn't hit you, he doesn't love you.'' - Rihanna

   You never know what you have until you log off Facebook.

   Due to your inability to put dishes in the dishwasher, I am diagnosing you with Dishleprophoia - Fear of being trapped inside a dishwasher...

   Parents: Help you grow from a child to an adult.. Then they become your roommates and get mad when the rent is late..

   Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?