Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to the replacement referees...if you're holding a baby & I hug you, I officially get your baby...

   If Ann Coulter married Madonna, who would be the butch one?

   there anything lamer than sharing a FB profile with your wife?? Grow some effing balls or come out of the closet already...

   We have rappers who used to be pimps and gangsters telling us not to download music because it's stealing..

   How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some tampons and got blown into a bar?!

   Tough times don't last but tough people do. -Macho man Randy Savage

   If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times

   My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

   wonders why women spend so much on sunglasses? Wouldn't it be cheaper to tint the kitchen windows.

   I'm the most responsible person I know. Whenever anything goes wrong, I'm responsible.

   People that wear sunglasses inside, have to.......because it's always sunny in Doucheville.

   I just got a call from the NFL office...they must have gotten wind of that 1 flag football game I ref'd in 2002

   indecisive and thoroughly confused, the replacement refs ordered a diet mtn. coke.

   The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.

   One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.

   What do you call a girl who is being a total b itch on her period? You don't. You text her from the movies and tell her you had to work late

   My Homeless Sign Would Say "I Bet You $10 That You'll Read This"

   40 oz. to freedom? HA! I am going to need at least 80.

   OH Muh GAH....that d@mn commercial has got me in it's clutches!! I go around singing "I GOT 2 TICKETS TO PARADISE....."