Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if "nice guys finish last" then why do women go for the bad boys 1st?....dont you want a guy that lasts longer in the bedroom?

   Hey old men, I don't know how it worked in the 1940's but today you don't have to talk to the person at the urinal next to you.

   I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."

   Might start telling people I'm a blacksmith. You can't prove I'm not.

   The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

   Let me use pain as an abrasive to polish your soul.

   I hate it when I don't know if you're joking or not.

   Coffee is not my cup of tea.

   Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls)

   Difference between a cult and a religion: In a cult the guy at the top knows it's a scam; in a religion that guy's dead.

   For me being adventurous is dating a girl who doesn't shave her legs!

   People who slow down instead of getting out of my way underestimate my willingness to commit vehicular assault.

   Pediatricians just announced that trampolines are dangerous. In a related story, fire is hot…

   have you ever noticed that Monday and Mundane sound almost the same? Coincidence? I think not!!!

   Show me on this doll where the evil Monday touched you.

   Not feeling pain does not make you strong. Strength comes from feeling pain, dealing with it, getting over it and moving on.

   One of the most important things I've learned in life is to have at least one person with whom you never need to explain yourself.

   Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

   Oh, let's play that love game where you ignore me constantly and it kills me inside, then I start ignoring you too and it gets your attention!

   You know how if you lay wrong you put your arm to sleep? Your story just did that to my whole body.