Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem isn't government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.

   If I jumped out a plane and my parcute didn't work I would be so angry.

   Chicks piss on dudes all the time and call it squirting, so why was R. Kelly frowned upon...

   Just found out my GF is pregnant. 50 likes and we keep it.

   A woman said to me earlier....... "You're the most sarcastic bstard I know." I said, "Thanks....... That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

   Taco Bell sells tacos. Whataburger sells burgers. Chicken Express sells chicken. Panda Express are lying basta?ds!

   According to my horoscope, I'm going to get rich today. According to my Youtube comments, I'm a "douche." Life is confusing.

   Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!

   Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.

   Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.

   The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.

   A fun way to freak out a friend who's engaged is to suddenly take her fiancé's last name & then tag yourself in all of her Facebook photos.

   BLOW JOB!!!!!!! BLOW JOB!!!!!!!!! Now that I have your attention does anyone know the universal remote code for a Samsung flat screen?

   I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

   there is no strong beer, only weak men

   I can explain the State of America in three words " Honey Boo Boo "

   got a free iPad and iPhone today. It's like this gun is magic.

   We've all met a child that makes us realize 'child abuse' began for a reason..

   I am inventing a new language, "Mikeaneese". If you would like, I could perhapsibly give you a free copy

   If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either.