Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After being ignored by my GF for a full week, the only communication being a yes or a no, I've learnt a very valuable lesson about women. When they tell you they don't want anything for their birthday, they don't mean it.

   That jackass who called me childish at work earlier is going to regret it. Just wait till I tell my dad.

   The difference between politicians and prostitutes is, though they'll both take your money and f*ck you, prostitutes will actually give some satisfaction.

   There's nothing wrong with my attitude. It's in full working order.

   I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

   I just put a childproof lock on my liquor cabinet. No, I don't have any kids... I just installed it to remind myself of what it can lead to.

   Just walked in the room and the girl on the news was saying"we like it to be at least 10 inches but we prefer it to be longer than 12 inches.She was talking about people donating hair.Thank goodness.

   Fake Love: Her: Good morning love of my life, beat of my heart. Him: God morning sunshine, reason I live. True Love: Her: coffee if you want it. Him: Ehhhh.

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.

   realizes that coffee just isn't enough today ... Anyone have jumper cables I can borrow ?

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

   I just cleaned out my car, and to anyone whom I've ever accused of stealing my lighter, these 47 lighters and I would like to apologize.

   The left lane is for club members only. If you're not sure if you're in the club, move over.

   I've been awake for long enough in my lifetime to know that I prefer sleep.

   I told her I just wanted to be friends. She unfriended me on Facebook. Go figure.

   The movie "Ted" is just Stewie and Rupert grown up

   Just seen a mature dating site the photo has a woman with her chest thrusting out in a "provocative" manner , that's ok but the large tattoo of a tigers head emblazoned on the left one left me wondering"Just sayin"

   The sooner you admit that you love me, the sooner I will stop spray painting my name in hearts on your car & leave you alone like all men.

   It should be illegal to be up this early.

   I'm not farting, I'm equalizing my internal pressure.