Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The wierd moment when you scroll through someones timeline history and they get skinnier...

   I'm trying desperately not to hate your existence but you keep talking nonsense.

   Do I look fat in this? Could you just shut up while I'm having sex with you.

   My girlfriend says 4" is not enough, that's why I'm waiting on Galaxy Note 2...

   If you come up to me and talk like a pirate today, tomorrow will be " National Spit On A Person Who Celebrated 'National Talk Like A Pirate Day' Day"...

   My objective is to die young...as late in life as possible...

   I'm so broke, my bologna don't have a first name!

   With their recent driving records Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes are giving new meaning to the old phrase "Star-Struck"

   Life is a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff coloring book with missing pages and pop-ups.

   Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

   80% of people reading this will not find the the mistake in this A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z.

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought it was all fun and games.

   Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.

   Just skipped past a quote from Gandhi on Instagram to "like" a photo of a hot dog.

   Before we jump all over him, are we sure Romney wasn't counting himself as one of the 47% of Americans who don't pay taxes?

   Lindsay Lohan has almost made her full transition from child star to Hamburglar.

   Ladies, if you ever need to fend off an attacker, just start talking about what's been going on in your life.

   Rather than throwing four separate birthday parties for my kids I decided to combine the money and get my windows tinted. Sweet.

   If you think about it, did Gary Busey really survive that traumatic brain injury?

   Tell her she's beautiful instead of hot. She's a woman, not a temperature