Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cougars: The younger women may have the energy, but they have the experience.

   We will probably never understand why girls fall madly in love with douchebags.

   So they pay $1 million for commercials of starving kids but they can't feed them?

   I thought I met the girl of my dreams at the bar last night...until she said "hello" and sounded like that guy from the Allstate commercials! :/

   laughter is the best medicine...unless you have diarrhea.

   There are females getting ignored RIGHT NOW because football is back. Y'all will get the sidechick treatment all season. Keep ya head up tho

   Being a nice guy wasn't working for me so I converted to douche bagism.

   there are many things that will catch your eye but few will catch your heart

   Every time I hear someone say Right About Now, I end it with Funk Soul Brother.

   I want Liam Neeson to star in a remake of "Breakin' "

   I am instituting a new policy. Whining will be met with an ax handle to the face. I look forward to this new change in policy.

   Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to rise, hurricanes to sway around, no one is taught how to choose a wife, natural disasters just happen!!!!!!

   Finally finished reading the iTunes license agreement. There's a killer recipe for duck a l'orange on page 6,374.

   I have never once looked at a security guard and thought "I feel totally safe with that guy on the job"

   Apparently it wasn't a hit & run. Lindsay Lohan was just preparing for a new movie role. It's about a strung out has-been actress.

   I am so tired of doing things with other women that aren't you.

   Baby, let's stay up late and make mix tapes.

   The liquor store is a great place to meet new friends.

   I need to get a refund for my "DO NOT ARREST THIS MAN" t-shirt.

   Wanting what I'll never have is my way of insuring that I'm always miserable.