Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok, but like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

   Can't believe they've made a Taken 2...Liam Neeson must be an even worse father than Gerry McCann

   I could breathe fire but I don't want to waste alcohol.

   I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.

   Movies are so unrealistic. This guy's using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

   Let's get weird and watch Oprah together.

   I'm just like Jesus except I can't turn water into wine, just life into shi t.

   I will never be mature enough that if you hate me I won't hate you back.

   I see your chinstrap facial hair, and I raise you an IQ test.

   BRAIN: Say something! MOUTH: You didn't call me last night. Don't bother. BRAIN: Smooth. V@GINA: This is why we don't have nice things.

   There comes a time when you gotta stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I like to call this, the nap time.

   Happy people don't take long showers.

   Picasso emoticon: ' < __ ,

   I remember when I was a kid and dishwear sets from China used to be very expensive

   My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.

   "Seize the Day" in Latin is "Carpe Diem" in dbag it's "YOLO"

   True friendship comes with an inherent mutual non-disclosure and confidentiality agreement.

   I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.

   Coffee should be embarrassed by how little it helps me get through the day.

   If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what's the first thing you'd buy?