Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   only I can prevent forest fires?? But I live in Oklahoma...

   Dear Citizen, please stand still while your government tear-gasses you. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

   We'll be corporate slaves in no time… if we vote for Rom ney 2012

   I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.

   Wait, did Peyton Manning get traded to the Broncos or the Falcons?

   Ugly girls are like prime numbers - nothing will go into them except themselves.

   It's God's job to judge the terrorists...it's our mission to arrange the meeting." -U.S. Marines

   You unfriended me? Wow, you sure taught me a lesson.

   There are two types of people who can tell you the truth about yourself: an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly.

   does not see the justification why we often have to deal with temporary inconveniences that are created by permanently incompetent minds..

   I'm a much better person than Mitt Romney. I only believe 30% of people are entitled freeloaders.

   I like my women like I like my ribs. Sticky and all over my fingers.

   I'd rather drown going against the current than glide along a journey I don't believe in.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.

   Come to me dirty money, I will wash you clean.

   there a better way to let people in a bar know you're an a$$hole other than carrying around a motorcycle helmet?

   In the grand scheme of things, we don't mean diddly squat. Get over yourself.

   Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.

   Marriage in America is just an attempt to make the other person feel like they can't cheat.

   Just saw a big gal's tramp stamp when she bent over. I'm not sure if it was a butterfly or a pterodactyl.