Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being single at this time is not based on my wanting freedom to do what I want....It's more due to the fact that I want the freedom to not have to do what someone else wants.

   Just got my name of the list for the new iPhone 6 due out next month..

   "Whats the fastest way to make a woman pick cotton?" "Set the string on fire!"

   Heck with the 7 Dwarfs, I have: "Not me"; "Don't know"; "Wasn't Home"; "Not Mine"; "Didn't use it last"; "Haven't Seen it" & "I'm Not Doing It!" living with me

   I would much rather answer silly questions than try to fix stupid mistakes.

   The moment you understand the value of life, is the moment you die.

   I have a step ladder never knew my real ladder....

   Nicki Minaj judging singers on "American Idol" makes about as much sense as Mitt Romney judging a drag queen contest in West Hollywood.

   Women, will you PLEASE tell your breasts to stop staring at my Eyes!? It's very offputting! How Rude!

   only dogs go for bones, Real men go for curves.

   Be nice to your stalker. They just want to be loved...

   If I never use a smiley face in any of the texts I send you.....it's safe to say I don't like you.

   Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!

   why are we so mean to Mexico they give us drugs?

   If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

   Sex isn't sex without hair pulling, ass grabbing, neck holding, legs folding, lip biting, neck sucking, pillow biting, back scratching, etc.

   I'm guessing we call it "baby powder" because that sounds better than "adult ball powder"?

   HEY,, I wrote the manual on ADD.. Well, it's 3 sentences,,,, The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   "Oh my, they're not even wearing their seat belts; this is thrilling!" -Mitt Romney watches a Bang Bus video

   In my most shameful moments I use the word "c*cksucker" negatively despite how greatly I enjoy having my c*ck sucked.