Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wondering, Don't you idiot Desert Dwellers realize Americans are watching Football today and could give a $hit less about your protest.. @wasteofenergy

   according to my wife, the only time I've ever been right was when I said I was wrong...

   Irony - Getting your girlfriend pregnant on a pull out couch!

   Whoa! I just took a big, stinky Muhammad. Luckily, I've got a nice, porous Koran to wipe my arse with

   "went from being single" to "being single like a boss".

   Any Woman that keeps her Kid from they Father is a Dead Beat mother too!!!

   Ouija boards were the first touchscreens

   What do the Chinese call a 69? Twocanchew

   If you dont like being a door mat....then get off the floor

   "What have I done?!!.... EVERYBODY RUN !!" -Creator of the boomerang

   I guess someone hacked in and changed the format...

   Ever notice the bleeped out every word R2D2 said in Star Wars?

   I wanted to put my hair in a bun,, but the hairdresser was all out of sourdough... (giant cane trys to pull me off stage,, but I backflip over it)

   Just spent 5 minutes looking for the like button in an email....

   There are two types of people in this world: People who like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...and complete and utter monsters.

   The majority of my childhood was spent naming one of my settlers in Oregon Trail after an enemy then doing all I could to help them die of dysentery

   Its so cute how we assume referee are going to be 100% neutral and objective in games/matches totally forgetting that they are just human like you and me.

   My wife says I should read the book before watching the movie. So when I play the movies I just put the subtitles on and watch and read at the same time.

   "Screw you and your iPhone 5" is what I'll be saying until I also get one.

   Don't get me wrong, I love football just as much as the next guy but if she want's to do it during game time, football is the last thing on my mind.