Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own ass.

   those who think printing koran on toilet paper is good better would be to print bible as there are more followers

   Pretty bummed the iPhone 5 still comes with the phone feature.

   The balance of power in our relationship really shifted when he found out how much I enjoy sucking c ock :(

   My daughter is bragging about the blood puddle she left in the grass at rugby. How's your Bieber-haired, skinny jeaned son doing?

   Overheard a guy say "Dis hoe jus said she ain't feelin me, Imma keep holla doe", which I think translates to "I make minimum wage"

   I'm not crazy, but I was once abducted by aliens. They interrogated me. I didn't understand anything. I don't speak Spanish

   I like to high-five after sex because cuddling with strangers is weird.

   I think it's time for a new Gordon Ramsey cooking show called "Microwave Meals From Hell!"

   I just want a woman who is swooned by me spelling "hippopotamus" correctly.

   Marriage Tip: Try not to leave a footprint on your spouse's ass as they get out of the car when you drop them at the airport.

   Everyone is at an uproar over published materials.... " Royal Kate over Closer magazine" , "radicals over a cheesy film", "Me over a stupid how to make money infomercial!"

   Interrsting they're protesting everywhere but America....Pu$$ies

   How come Yoko Ono didn't marry someone from Nickleback instead?

   Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.

   Next time someone gives you a business card, stick it in your mouth and eat it without breaking off eye contact

   If Bobby Boucher's mama is right about football bein the devil then a lot of us are going to hell :P

   Ladies, leave the football related posts to us boys and we'll leave the laundry posts for you...

   Remember when we needed to look up a word, we had to go thru a dictionary, like the book form, not Google. What the fck was that all about?

   Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween