Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's probably tough being black these days, having to memorize all those handshakes

   Okay I'll stop. But I'm not going to collaborate or listen.

   If I do it doggy style I get to multiply every minute I last by ten, right guys?

   This waitress just told me she was an actress. Based on her horrid impersonation of a waitress, it's not surprising she's still a waitress

   I always make sure to pee on myself in the bathtub just incase I get stung by a jellyfish

   Sometimes I watch videos of guys jerking off to compare techniques.

   I'm getting sick of these p orn sites listing my videos as "amateur".

   And Jesus said unto the woman, "Your face alone shall be used as birth control." - Luke 4:14

   This bourbon needs more cocaine

   I want a decent man who chokes me just enough in bed that both excites and worries me all at the same time.

   I just saw Snooki! Wait...nevermind. It was just a trash can.

   throwing dollars at over weight strippers is my version of cow tipping

   This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she's made some serious mistakes in her past.

   whenever I see that the cart boy is fat I scatter the carts all over the lot to help them out

   I love cats! They taste just like chicken

   drinking box wine, eating macaroni and watching p0rn

   My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said "Maybe you're the crazy one!!"

   After a long wait, the people of Liverpool finally got the news they wanted... The new iPhone will be available to rob later this month.

   Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."

   What's longer than most relationships these days? This status.