Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love it when she's hot for me, or just hot for someone and I happen to be there.

   Your wise words bring out your stupidity.

   Someone left their toenail clippers touching my toothbrush now I have to burn the house down and start over.

   The best part about getting older is vaguely remembering all the sex you had when you were younger.

   Don't even try to play mind games on those with a sharper mind than you.

   I had mice in my kitchen til I replaced mouse traps with tiny notes that said,"I'll love you forever". They left me for my neighbor.

   People who like their jobs probably don't think oral sex is necessary either.

   I hate how my husband has to eat food every day.

   I suppose the Australians have never started a trend in real life, so why not just let them have their fun..

   Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

   Anyone who says you can't judge a book by its cover hasn't seen the cover of “The Big Book of Huge Breasts”.

   Demonstrators storm the US embassy in Yemen. Didn't Samuel L. Jackson already make a movie about this?

   If you're male and you own a chihuahua, I have some important news for you: The armed forces now accept hom0sexuals, unconditionally.

   The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn't know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.

   Me: Glad, I am very happy today. Life: lol!! one second :P

   Was not impressed by iPhone 5 which just made me realize how important Steve Job was to Apple No thanks I am quite content with my 4s

   Samsung S3 is way much better id rather eat the Apple

   How about at least a little wave to thank me for not killing you, pedestrians?!

   Please FFS I have no interest in knowing what your tattoo means.

   I just tell ugly girls I have a paper bag fetish.