Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gee! There's a string in there!!!..... and thus a new style of underwear was named....

   I won't laugh in the face of danger but I will stick my my tongue out at the back of it's head...

   Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   dressed up as the Grim Reaper and gone back and forth through the emergency room.

   Sometimes wish that I was a kitchen, then maybe women would understand me.

   Scientists discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 95% . . . wedding cake-

   "I wish Ted would just tell his poor kids how he met they're mother!!!"

   To connect with Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and end up slipping on it.

   If you don't hump Christina Ricci today, then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   If you allow your children to run around a restaurant unattended, and I am in that restaurant, I will teach them curse words and racial slurs.

   My ideal job would be "Guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks."

   I love the stick figure family's on your car windows they let me know how many garbage bags to bring to the murder.

   Worst part about having an iPhone or any other smart phone for that matter is when you get mad you can't slam the phone

   what the heck is a honey boo boo???

   What's the ex's new boyfriend like? Well, he's the kind of guy who drives around in a convertible, but never puts the top down.

   Britney Spears looks so old and ugly...yikes!

   inventing an inflatable dartboard

   An apple fan walks into a bar.. Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more..

   I would probably buy the iPhone5 if it kept me from drunk dialing my exes.