Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First time on a roller coaster. Final Destination.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Eating

   In awkward situations, we all pretend to text.

   i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order two tacos to go.

   Drank a Rockstar and now I'm patiently waiting to break furniture in a hotel room.

   The fact that women don't sell ad space (transparent stickers) on their cleavage is baffling to me.

   "It's not a contest." - losers

   Maybe if women would quit playing games they'd worry less about competition.

   I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.

   When I was younger, I grew up in a theme park! The theme of the park was trailer.

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; At least you're not the guy, at Instagram, that has to search for and delete all the d!ck pics.

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   The woman who invented the phrase "All guys are the same" was a chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd in China.

   I wish I had Kim Kardashian's talent of not having any talent and making money out of it.

   If I forget my iPhone when going to the bathroom, I don't care if its the directions on toothpaste, I'm reading it.

   Whoever put "Too Cool to Do Drugs" on a pencil is retarded. Every time you sharpen it: "Cool to Do Drugs" "Do Drugs" and "Drugs"

   I don't have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   Horror movies don't scare me. Five missed calls from my mother scares me.

   It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.