Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No, you can't sit there - I'm saving that seat in case someone hotter than you comes along.

   When your boss says to make your dreams come true, he probably doesn't mean the one where you push him down the stairs.

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.

   I think I hear an aftermarket muffler... I guess that means my pizza is here.

   those Walgreens shots...not what I expected...

   I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.

   I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...

   On the weekends, I'm a Cupcake War reenactor.

   I got recognized once. It was at my friend's house. He was all, "Hey, you really should call first." So cool.

   Worst thing about strip clubs is the women totally hog the poles. Maybe I'm really good! At least give me a turn.

   This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper...

   I sing in the shower. I think I sound pretty good. The other people in the gym don't agree

   love The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed

   My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)

   I don't drink no more. I don't drink no less, either...

   How are the VMA's even possible when they dont play music??

   I really love my new tattoo. "No pain, no g"

   My Dad should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I'm pretty sure no one has ever taken twenty seven years to go and get a pint of milk.

   "What are you in for?" "Ran a red light." "They sent you to prison for that?" "Well, I also ran the brothel behind it."

   Nicolas Cage stars in the movie 'Stolen', in which he frantically searches for his missing daughter, who has been kidnapped. The producers originally had a different name for the film, but it was already Taken.