Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   Naked breakfast on the couch watching my shows. Gangsta's paradise.

   Because I'm a rule-breaker, I'm going to wear white after Labor Day! What!? You got something to say about it, punk??!

   After a long weekend without your phone, you learn what's really important in life. Your phone.

   You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.

   Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that's trying to kill them.

   Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?

   I dreamed I had sex with my ex last night. I swear she ruins everything.

   You ever posted something and before you can even proofread it there's like 50 million likes?

   Who else proofread something after they posted? Oh so I'm the only one......

   People Dont even say grace before meals anymore . They just Hold up Their Phones over the Plate , snap a Pic , & Post it on Ins tagram

   Before you ask me to leave, let me just say that some women would be turned on if I went through their underwear drawer.

   I have a v@gina. I don't have to make sense.

   What happens on Facebook stays on Facebook, forever!!!

   I asked some guy for directions this morning and he said, "Go to the corner and take a right. It's about six miles, depending on how fast you're going".

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   The guy who discovered milk….What was he doing with that cow?

   Why do banks attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   These days: Smart Phones, Stupid People