Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Labor day this year has been canceled, because people that are with out jobs have forgotten what it's like to have to go to work.

   I've got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I'm trying to calculate the odds.

   I like you, even though you raise all kinds of red flags.

   I don't need your permission to correct you if you're wrong.

   We had a good thing going until you made it real.

   Can you just have a will that says, "It's all hers." because it was anyway.

   Every now and then I like to do a complete check of my financial situation. Yep, still nothin'.

   I didn't know what love meant... until I looked it up in the dictionary

   If at first you don't succeed, get her drunk.

   Treat her like a lady and she'll show you her inner slut.

   I like long walks on hot coals and picnics in the ghetto because I'm a thrill seeker.

   To all the pregnant women out there, this is your day. Happy Labor Day!

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home", I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors.

   Guys with unibrows, you may think it's unmanly to pluck that sh!t, but it's far more unmanly to never get laid.

   "Hey baby, do you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."

   I have over 500 FB friends but only 6 actual friends. And, I don't even like 2 of them…

   Anyone that uses the word yolo I hope gets aid and herpes and dies a slow painful death

   After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...

   My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.

   Alcohol. Because no good story starts with, “This one time I ate a salad…”