Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wish my life was more like a comedy and less like a drama

   Eminem is the only man in the world who could make fun of Taylor Swift without her writing a song about it."

   I always sit backwards on the toilet...got to have a place to sit my cereal!!! most important meal of the day ya know.

   I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

   Glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday.

   If you can't be with the one you love, throw yourself into oncoming traffic

   playing a game of pool with Prince Harry and some photographer from a tabloid newspaper. wish me luck

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.

   Somewhere in Kenya, a village is missing it's idiot

   I'm making a bucket list, Some of the girls on my friends list are on it

   Finally loses virginity. 3 more years left in prison.

   I loveee how my iPhone looks without a case but it's too risky......

   My american dream is to live off medicaid, welfare and food stamps.. then I can spend all day on facebook ;)

   A good head on HIS shoulders will open doors. Great head on HER knees will open every single door.

   My wife hates it when I drink. Or breathe.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   Tell her you love her hair, her eyes, the way she wrinkles her nose...and get laid this weekend.

   An apple a day takes a billion dollars away

   GIRL PICK UP LINES: "I want to be the girl that takes your breath away and gives you CPR with my v@gina"

   GIRL TALK: Leaving me gasping for air after we have sex wins you a second round.