Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever notice it's only "stalking" if the person doing the stalking is unattractive.

   Look ma, no meds!

   I shaved my right leg, just to feel i'm sleeping next to you :) j.G

   I hate when couples say "we're expecting a baby." Like, what the else were you expecting to grow inside you?!

   Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.

   ♫♪♫ To the left, to the left. Laying on my side brings my nuts to the left ♫♪♫

   I'm emotionally unavailable and sexually unobtainable... When I'm sober.

   I had a dream last night that I met Skrillex and I told him NOT to star in the remake of "The Crow", that it would ruin Brandon Lee's legacy. He agreed.

   it is LITERALLY impossible to tell if a Skrillex track is skipping

   I don't have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!

   There is nothing worse than a broke ass high maintenance woman.

   I seen the most awesome black colored horse the other day. If she was mine, I'd call her ShaNeighNeigh ツ

   ever danced with the devil in the pail of moon light ?

   If winning was easy, losers would do it.

   I woke up this morning to the sound of crickets outside. Then I quickly realised, it was the wife lying next to me with her legs open.

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   Scientists at the Department of Microbiology Research are studying over 300 types of virus and bacteria. Or as they refer to her, "Mary the African prostitite"

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick

   Sees you just vacuumed the floor. Opens up a Nature Valley bar.

   Danggggit! Lets just put Louisana on Craiglist! Maybe the French can buy it back.