Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I ask my wife 'Am I looking Handsome?' and she remembers a joke which she heard earlier and laugh way too hard to even answer me

   The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels

   I'm actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.

   early predictions have hurricane Isaac causing $50 million in improvements to New Orleans...

   People's Bull$hit and fakeness are the main reasons why I like to be alone at times!!!

   If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton on the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity

   When is decency going to be cool again?

   I hate it when I buy a bag of air and there are chips in it.

   Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor said, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well", I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic"

   On the battlefield of life, my weapon of choice is intelligence.

   ''Holy sh!t! Is this my mother?'' - Snooki's baby

   Instead of bombing terrorist we should just make them watch The Twilight Movies and listen to Justin Bierber's music..

   Shockingly Pitbull's first name isn't Feat.

   What idiot driver on the freeway next to me this morning was trying to floss while driving, he was swerving all over the place. The jerk nearly made me drop my newspaper and my phone!!!

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   Does anyone really believe this thing with the Mayan calendar? If you do it's OK but if you don't, it's not the end of the world.

   I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.

   Ladies, if your dating profile includes the phrase “must love cats”, you should buy the long term membership…