Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone thought how they might want to die? I want to die during a routine liposuction...

   glad to see today was set aside for all the skanks out there. Happy National Dog Day!!

   just realized who I am.... The Vodka Whisperer

   Come on Issac, the convention is about to start, don't let us down.

   The duct tape, prevents glass shards from flying around when broken.

   I have discovered that when you give people advice through the medium of interpretive dance, they quickly regret asking you for it, and go away.

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug her life support system should my phone need charging....

   They should make a car that can text you when the car ahead of you brakes.....

   Not putting metal in your microwave also means not feeling like an awesome sorcerer in your own kitchen.

   A womans anger is like a check engine light..there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away....

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in walmart was staring at me.

   The most attractive quality in a woman is alcohol.

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton. On the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity.

   What's that Adele song about not being able to hold onto a boyfriend?

   What doesn't kill you is probably a poison made in China.

   Reports from the delivery room say it was actually pretty sweet the way baby Lorenzo was already teaching Snooki to read.

   Shout out to all the people in church today, who didn't speak to anyone, cause their breath still smelled like Jack Daniels.

   Advice to women: don't confuse men with credit cards.

   I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.

   STOP ANIMAL TESTING...they don't know the answers.